You’re Not a Hot Mess Mom

The last thing we need is to be something we’re not.

Vanessa Torre


Photo by Engin Akyurt via Pexels

I have absolutely had it with the Hot Mess Mom. You know the one. You’ve seen the videos. You couldn’t help but watch. Maybe you felt like you had found your people. That’s okay. I was there once, too.

There is no shortage of moms who have become internet sensations for their wine-laden rantings about the difficulty of being a mom. My social media feed is full of them.

It’s the “in” thing to be the Hot Mess Mom. She’s cool. She doesn’t care. She’s all about self acceptance. She makes fun of the perfect moms.

I see these women running around like crazed lunatics: soccer practice, play dates, bakes sales, birthday parties. Sometimes in their pajamas. The Hot Mess Mom can’t even remotely “adult.” It’s too much. The kids, the school project, the house, the husband.

I’m over it. I want you to be, too. You fell into another trap. One that has created for you just one more thing to live up to. The Hot Mess Moms are the new Cool Girls. If your clothes are clean, you’re trying too hard and you can’t sit with them at lunch. Don’t even think about wearing pink on Wednesdays.

For the record, I have been a single mom of a young kid while working 50+ hours in an executive position and serving on at least two non-profit boards.

I’ve been there. I’ve been exhausted. I’ve been overworked and under appreciated. It’s just a part of motherhood. We asked for it.

I wasn’t the Perfect Mom. I left for work once wearing flip flops because I didn’t notice. I wore my hair in a bun for 15 months straight. That’s nothing to be proud of. It just was what it was. I never felt judged. Ever. No one expected the perfect mom. But, no one expected me to be a fake martyr either.

I am about to liberate you from being a Hot Mess Mom with one word: NO. Say. Fucking. No. For once. And mean it. And stand by it. Put your foot down. Grow a spine.



Vanessa Torre

Top 10 feminist writer. Writing, coaching, and relentlessly hyping women in midilfe. Email: