Why I Choose to Spend So Much Time Alone

My never ending effort to shoot first.

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I spend a lot of time alone. I’m pretty sure I’m doing it wrong. For me, being alone is a preemptive strike against loneliness. I know that sounds weird. Hold on.

I enjoy being alone and it lets me have the freedom to do whatever I want. I don’t have to worry about what other people want to do, plans they want to make. It gives me the quiet time for my own thoughts, for my brain to slow down and find a little peace.

When I choose to be alone it means I’m in control. There’s no loneliness because it was my decision and my preference.

My family cancelled Thanksgiving because my dad was sick. Friends stepped in and asked if I wanted to join them. It was a sweet offer. I declined. I chose instead to spend the holiday alone because it sounded nice and relaxing and calm. I could spend quality time with my daughter and we could stay in our pajamas all day long. It was an amazing holiday. Then Thursday passed.

I have had two dates with a guy. It’s not serious. It’s enjoyable. We had tentative plans for date number three this past weekend. Not having any concrete plans for Thanksgiving, he took the opportunity to go an hour or so north to his buddy’s house. I think he has some alone issues too.

He didn’t tell me he’d be gone all weekend. I thought I had a date. Friday came around and I had no plans. I had no date. I had no choice in this. Had I planned do something enjoyable with my day, even if I was alone, my mind set would have been different.

This is not about the guy. It’s not about the date. It’s about nothing more than me not being able to control my loneliness.

I spent a good part of Friday feeling sorry for myself and writing while wallowing in my own self pity.

I get lonely and I don’t like it. It makes me sad and it makes me anxious. The kind of anxious where you pace the floor and shake your hands and hurry to tidy up the house even though it’s already clean because you don’t quite know what to do with yourself.

When I choose to be alone I can sit and read a book in solitude for hours. When I am lonely I can’t concentrate on a damn word.

I am not doing this right. Internal vs. External influence has too much bearing on how I feel. It brings too many ups and downs. I’m too easily swayed. Isolating myself as the preemptive strike isn’t working. I need a new strategy.

I need to figure out how to keep the loneliness at bay when I don’t have control over it. If I don’t, I will control every last minute of my life to the point of emotional suffocation. Just to avoid feeling lonely.

This is the tough work. But, this is the work I get to be proud of. This is going to be the work than means somewhere in the future you get to read something from me about how I kicked loneliness’s ass. Wait for it. It’ll happen.

Written by

Flaming pinball, nerd, music lover, wine snob, horrible violin player. No, I won’t stop taking pictures of my drinks. vanessaltorre@gmail.com IG: vanessaltorre

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