What If I Do Need a Man to Make Me Whole?

And what if I think that’s just fine?

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I’m a strong woman. I am fiercely independent. I am going on vacation by myself tomorrow. I built my own patio furniture. I can change the headlights on my car.

By all outward appearances, I am embodying the feminist ideal of not needing a man for a god damned thing.

Still, there is something missing.

The single woman mantra has become “I am whole on my own.” I can say, I’m not. The reason I need a man to make me whole is that one of the things I value so incredibly highly: romantic love. It is life blood for me. I want it and I need it. I’m not ashamed of it.

I don’t understand the shame that lies in saying that. Love is an unbelievable gift and knowing that you need someone to give that to you is not a weakness. It’s a self actualization.

I have spent the last year of my life in full examination of who I am and consciously trying to build a life that makes me happy. I am, at times, absolutely shocked with how far I’ve come and how much effort it has taken to get here. I have created beauty in my life and cleared away what did not need to be there. Cut, discard, mend, sew.

Romantic love is missing from my life right now. I’m okay with this. That may sound contradictory to everything you’ve read so far and you may not even believe me. But, it’s true. Not having romantic love is fine right now. Because I’m fine. I love my life and I have a solid appreciation for and knowledge of who I am. I’m pretty cool.

That said, there is only one thing that is going to change that feeling that there is just something missing. Something I’m reaching for.

Something not quite right. Something leaning in a direction I don’t want it to.

Romantic love is not the end all, be all. There may be other things I want and need that may keep me from feeling totally whole. Working to find love is no different to me than working to find financial freedom or the perfect job.

This want is not something I feel is dictated to me by society. I feel no pressure to have it. I don’t feel like I should be made to feel like lesser of a person because I don’t have it. It’s absence should not carry any more judgment that the desire for it.

This does not come with a prescribed notion of what that looks like. It doesn’t mean getting married or having to have a man in my house or be showered with gifts. It doesn’t need to be forever.

It’s seeing a beautiful, wonderful old couple walking down the street holding hands and saying to myself, “That. I want that.”

For me, there is a strength and courage in recognizing a core value and settling into it. I can say the same thing for people who can live without it in the same manner that I can understand, respect and appreciate someone’s desire to never have kids. You do what is right for you. You seek what you want. I’ll seek what I want.

This world carries enough conflicts as it is. How you feel about wanting love shouldn’t be one of them.

Written by

Flaming pinball, nerd, music lover, wine snob, horrible violin player. No, I won’t stop taking pictures of my drinks. vanessaltorre@gmail.com IG: vanessaltorre

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