What Do Women Really Want? Pockets.
And not those chintzy ones, either. Real. Pockets.
Fact: There is no time more joyful in a woman’s life than the moment she realizes her dress has pockets.
She could find out she got a raise and that would be great, but give her a dress with pockets and something magical happens. Her face will light up. Her eyes will grow wide. She may squeal with delight.
Basically, when we find out our dress has pockets, we turn into a 6-year-old.
The joy never fades either. If you compliment a woman on her dress and it has pockets, she will freak the hell out!
This happened to me. I was at work and had a new dress on. My coworker complimented my new dress and I nearly burst out of my skin, “Oh my God! It has pockets! Look!”
I have to say I was appreciative of his enthusiastic response that it was, indeed, exciting and that I could keep snacks in there. Damn right, I can!
If you are of the male persuasion you may not understand our exuberance in this situation. It’s because you have not lived your whole life robbed of the unalienable right to have pockets. You don’t have to dig in a purse for five minutes to find your car keys. You know just where they are. In your damn pocket.
And dudes, while you’re here, can we have a conversation about the immense pocket inequity that is cargo shorts?
I hate cargo shorts. My loathing of cargo shorts goes back almost 20 years to my first marriage. There is really only one common thread with both of my husbands. They both goddamn loved their cargo shorts.
Any woman who has been married to a man who loves cargo shorts just rolled her eyes. I felt it. There was a gravitational pull with your eyeballs that could probably rival that of the moon.
Cargo shorts were definitely created by someone who never thought that they would ever have to be ironed. Cargo shorts are in a perpetual state of needing to be ironed. And that shit is hard to do!
I think that the 20th century should get to own cargo shorts. But, no. They still exist today. You don’t even have to go into the wild to see them. Just go to any summer baseball game or sports bar and they are everywhere.
That’s not the main reason women loathe the cargo shorts. We are pissed as shit that we get no pockets and you guys get extra pockets. Like you greedy sons of bitches don’t have enough places to put the one wallet, one set of keys, and one pair of sunglasses? You gotta have two more supplemental exterior pockets.
My best friend and I have taken to calling them “purse pants.” My ex-boyfriend was an avid cargo shorts wearer. We might have given him shit about it a time or two:
I’ve come to terms with the cargo shorts, though. If a guy shows up on a date wearing cargo shorts there should be an immediate negotiation. We should get to sit the guy down and say, “Look. I am more than happy to go out into public with you while you’re wearing those. But, here’s the deal. I am off the hook on having to bring a purse now. Please do not forget to give me my lipstick back at the end of our date because if you send your cargo shorts through the washing machine with my lipstick in the pocket your love affair with those things will be over.”
Look, purses suck. They’re bulky. They fall of our shoulders. We hit things with them. They make our shoulders tired. Kids put crap in there when we’re not looking.
We want to be liberated from our purses. We want easy access to Chapstick.
These are not huge demands. We just want the pocket playing field to be a little more even. An inside pocket in a jacket, maybe? That’s not to much to ask, is it?