Five Things Not to Assume About the Twice Divorced

Cut us repeat offenders some slack.

Image for post
Image for post

But, even jokes carry truth. These assumptions are hurtful nonetheless.

So stop it.

We’re Crazy

This is one threw me for a loop. It hit me from a friend and at first I thought he was kidding and then I realized it. He wasn’t. When the Awkward Realization occurred, he looked at me and said, “Oh. You’ve been divorced twice then? You must be crazy.”

Marital status is not a gauge of one’s mental health. Sometimes, it’s a gauge of one’s ability to find someone able to handle their partner’s mental health.

There is a judgment divorced people fear. It grows when divorce number two happens. Which leads me to…

We’re Broken

We’re not bad people. We’re not these shattered, broken people who do not deserve love. We aren’t narcissistic assholes who aren’t capable of giving love. Something just went wrong and we couldn’t get the ship back on course. There is no use is painting the side of that sinking ship.

Marriage is a contract. The contract gets broken. Not the people.

We made a mistake. We thought we could trust someone and we couldn’t. We thought we knew someone and we didn’t. We thought we could make it through the bad days and we didn’t. That’s all.

We Don’t Take Marriage Seriously

Getting divorced is not fun. It is certainly not easy and it’s not cheap. Yet, people make assumptions that this was just an option going in. Like a sun roof we can add later.

No, my friend. I didn’t want it to work. I really wanted to find myself in my kitchen three months after separating from my husband, well into a bottle of Cabernet, standing in my kitchen looking at a cooked frozen pizza, crying over the fact that my marriage was over and I no longer owned a pizza cutter.

Duh. Of course we wanted it to work. Few people marry for sport. (Word to the Kardashians.) I didn’t find myself walking down the aisle thinking that if this didn’t work out, I could just get divorced. That’s absurd.

We’re Not Allowed to Marry Again

I get this one a lot. This is the most well intended assumption and the most hurtful. We get it. We feel you. You don’t want to see us hurt again. You want us to stay clear of the deep, awful place that we ventured into a time or two. Your concern is commendable.

Being twice divorced does not mean we are totally incapable of choosing life partners ever again.

You do not get to make this decision for us. When you do this, it makes us feel like we don’t deserve to be married again.

We Never Want to Get Married Again

I learned at a very young age not to put my hand on a burning stove. I also learned that people are tenacious. Past levels of success do not always determine future levels of success.

Fear is not a reason for making a decision whether to do or not do something in your life.

We make decisions based on what we feel in our hearts is the best thing to do. Sometimes that means giving it another go. Sometimes that means refusing to ever wear a ring again. Either way, let us work that out.

Flaming pinball, nerd, music lover, wine snob, horrible violin player. No, I won’t stop taking pictures of my drinks. vanessaltorre@gmail.com IG: vanessaltorre

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store