There’s No Such Thing as Drama Free Dating

Everyone has it, even if they don’t want it or admit it.

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Photo via Pexels

With a year and a half of dating behind me, I have read many a dating profile. My friends have shared some treasures, as well. There is one recurring theme that has always bugged me: a good number of online profiles make some sort of reference to an aversion to drama.

No one wants it and everyone is claiming not to have it. I have a very sneaky suspicion that many of these people are lying.

We are all just a group of humans wandering through life doing the best we can. Some days we we knock it out of the park. Other days, we just can’t. Life happens. It’s not always pretty. It’s all okay.

I absolutely understand the fact that there are crazy people out there. Trust me on this.

No one’s interested in coming home and finding their pet rabbit in a boiling pot. I get it. Everyone gets it.

Do we even need to make such proclamations then? I don’t know a whole laundry list of people that are lining up hoping that someone is going to come into their lives and stir the pot. Google all of their ex-boyfriends or their ex-wife and send them messages on social media. That’s drama. That’s legit crazy shit.

These experiences, if they even exist, are few and far between. They hardly create a widespread panic that there’s a mass of people out there that would do such a thing that people would drive people to comment on it. But it’s there at every turn.

I have an inkling of an idea that this is not what people are talking about when they say that they’re not looking for drama.

In my experience, when a someone expresses a low drama tolerance, what I hear is that when something bad happens they’re gone.

You get laid off at work? See ya! Your ex-husband wants to renegotiate child support? No can do. Your partner said something hurtful and you were (gasp!) hurt? Not their problem.

A no drama stance is a major red flag for “at some point, I am going to gaslight you.” It’s just a matter of time before life happens.

People who want to live in a land without drama aren’t living in reality. That land does not exist. Because real life is fraught with drama. Wheels fall off. Hard times come. Emotions are real.

Supporting people through everyday rough patches is a part of living a compassionate life. Denying such compassion results in pain. This, in turn, results in…drama. It’s enough to make a people crazy or least feel that way.

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Photo by Kilyan Sockalingum via Unsplash

No one wants to felt that if they struggle, people are going to remind us that they didn’t want any drama and, therefore, it will be their fault when a relationship ends.

This is not to say that it is ever appropriate to intentionally drop a big fat drama bomb in someone’s lap. Everyone owes it to everyone else to act like a wholehearted adult.

The difficulty is that denying the human existence of drama leads people to do ridiculous things. I recently dated a man who had even gone so far as to note in his online profile that he had no drama. Guess what? He did. He had a boatload.

The drama wasn’t the issues he had to deal with in his life. They were beyond his control. The drama came from his inability to acknowledge that they were issues and to do the work to move on. He lacked the vulnerability to tell me what was happening in his life. I can’t say I blame him.

We can’t shame people into living a life without drama. It just doesn’t work that way.

We’re doing a disservice to ourselves and to others to act like we don’t have feelings. We can’t just bury them down out of fear that they won’t be accepted or we won’t be loved because of them. All of that has to go somewhere or it explodes.

You get to own your feelings. Let them, and unstoppable drama, be yours. Handle it like an adult but find people who will love you through it. It’s important. It’s necessary. It’s human.

If this was your cup of tea, you might want to steep these ones in your favorite cup:

Written by

Flaming pinball, nerd, music lover, wine snob, horrible violin player. No, I won’t stop taking pictures of my drinks. vanessaltorre@gmail.com IG: vanessaltorre

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