The Time I’m Buying, The Life I’m Not Living

Is it okay to live your life on hold?

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Photo by Tristan Colangelo via Unsplash

The whole concept of “Be Here Now” is completely lost on me.

I have lived my life for so long either wallowing in the past, over analyzing it or kicking myself in the ass over it. If I’m not doing that, I’m mired down waiting for a shoe to drop or unnecessarily worrying about the future. I am a mess.

Rarely do I ever live in the present. The present to me always feels like a holding pattern. A revolving door and I can’t go back in the building and I can’t go out on the street. I just spin.

There is always something that I’m working toward and it’s always an arm’s-length away. When I get close to it, something else becomes the unreachable thing.

For example, six months ago I was brought into a project at work. It was never meant to be long term. We know it’s not the perfect fit. The plan was for me to come in and spend two years getting the project where it needed to be before I backed away from it and on to something else that was a better fit. It has absolutely perpetuated the vicious cycle of the holding pattern.

Where I am is where I’m needed. It means my great reward is “someday.” So I count down the months until “someday.” It doesn’t feel good. I’m anxious.

What drives a lot of the anxiety is having gone through two major life changes in the last year and a half. I got divorced and I lost a job.

The life I am living right now is not where I thought I would be. It seems foreign to me. It feels like I shouldn’t own it. I crave stability.

Anytime that you are in a situation where you are counting months toward something, it distracts you from what is right is front of you. It removes to joy of the present so much so that it makes the present intolerable.

Waiting for someday also makes me feel like a horrible person. Let me explain.

I have lived my whole life in Phoenix. I don’t think I want to be here anymore. I want to move. Somewhere. Someday.

But, I have a 15 year old daughter who doesn’t want to move and a custody agreement I’d have to fight and a house a need to fix up. But, I know what the light at the end of the tunnel is. And it’s out there: Three and a half years and she’s off to college.

Nothing makes you feel like a shittier mother than feeling like your freedom comes with your child leaving home. It makes me feel like I’m ignoring the now.

Deep down, I know I’m not a horrible person or mother. I’m putting her happiness above mine. That’s all that matters. It’s what we do as parents. It’s the necessity of making sacrifices so that life can be better. For us. For others.

Waiting is that a necessity right now. We all have to do it. I try to tell myself it’s not a holding pattern, it’s just life and whatever it looks like right now, it’s still mine.

Written by

Flaming pinball, nerd, music lover, wine snob, horrible violin player. No, I won’t stop taking pictures of my drinks. vanessaltorre@gmail.com IG: vanessaltorre

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