The First Time Dating Terrified Me

And now I’m scared there’s more like him.

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I’m rarely shocked these days. It’s a byproduct of keeping my expectations of people pretty damn low. Standards high, expectations low. But, this week I got a shocker.

I have become exceptionally picky in choosing potential dates to talk to online. I rarely go on a dating app and, even then, only swipe or contact someone who actually seems like I might want to spend more than 14 minutes with them. Quality guys. This means actually connecting with someone rarely happens. I haven’t had a date in weeks. I don’t waste my time.

I had been talking to a guy who seemed pretty solid. Nice. Handsome. Wears an actual wristwatch. Has a Masters Degree. Sent me a picture of his well-decorated Christmas tree. Likes wine tasting. Excellent sentence structure. Responsive.

I texted him to say hello the day after Christmas and to see how his holiday was. We talked about getting together.

Then he invited me to come over. To his house. To meet him. For the first time. Scratch that… He insisted I do it.

Now, that is a hard pass. Hard. Pass. To make matters worse, when he told me where he lived (because why would I not come?) it was 50 miles away. I kindly explained that I had already commuted 110 miles, it was 7:45 pm, I had to work the next day and meeting someone at their house for the first time is not really my thing.

What followed was the most unbelievable vitriol the likes of which I have never seen before. I am not just saying he was rude. He was abusive. And he wouldn’t stop. His tirade cocktail of belittling, berating, insulting and humiliating me went on for several texts. Words upon words of everything that was wrong with me. I was selfish, uncaring, unloving, closed off, incapable of giving, uptight, etc.

I stared in utter disbelief. It was disturbing.

“Live your life. Be spontaneous. Be free. Say yes for once. 41 year old boring priss asses are single and sitting at home alone. 21 year olds are already in their car and don’t stay single.”

That was the nice stuff. I’m paraphrasing because I deleted the tirade because I hated its mere presence near me. But, it was the first time I was actually afraid. He was so angry. He had enough information about me. He could, feasibly, find me. Google is no friend.

It was the insistence that scared me. Insistence and anger are not a welcome combination. All the while he was unloading on me, he kept insisting I should come over. Insisting I was missing out. Insisting I say yes.

Eventually, he started to run out of steam and I came to my senses and blocked him. I should have blocked him immediately but I was too to stunned even think of it.

My fear of him going off the deep end and finding me has passed. But something still lingers. It’s what bothers me down in my core.

If we would have met in person, in a public place, how long would it have taken me to see this side of him? He probably could have kept me fooled for a date or two. My shock came from the fact that it was completely unexpected. I would never have guessed he had that in him.

Now, I’m even more leery of any man I talk to. This isn’t how it should be. This isn’t right. It’s easy to sniff out the psychopaths. They make their presence known. They display it. Early. But guys like this? The sociopaths? They hide it. Well. Their goal is to conceal as much as possible. What if there are more out there like him?

It makes me question my judgment and my ability to detect this crap before it happens. What if I miss something? What if I miss a sign? And worse, what if the thing I miss is a really good man because I’m too paranoid to see he’s actually one of the good ones?

This isn’t how it should be.

Written by

Flaming pinball, nerd, music lover, wine snob, horrible violin player. No, I won’t stop taking pictures of my drinks. vanessaltorre@gmail.com IG: vanessaltorre

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