Our Feelings Aren’t Meant to Be Kept

Having them and holding onto them are very different things.

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Ohot by Julian Hochgesang via Unsplash

I had a panic attack yesterday. It was one of the worst I’ve ever had. They are few and far between but they hit like a ton of bricks. There is nothing I hate more.

There was no one specific reason for my panic attack. It was everything and nothing. There was too much and not enough. I was overwhelmed. My plate is full, but my cup is empty.

I was at work. My hands started shaking. My chest felt tight. I could feel my body running hot. I couldn’t focus. My appetite was gone. I felt like crying. When I got to my car at the end of the day, I did.

Around 11pm, my brain finally started shutting off. The panic started to pass. It took 12 hours to get there. I had exhausted myself.

There was only one thing that actually helped. I had too much in my head and it needed to go. I am an incredibly sensitive person. I feel a lot. I feel things on other people’s behalf, too. You have a feeling? Great. I’ll have it, too. We can share. It’s overwhelming.

Most days, my brain is like glass in a garbage disposal. Broken pieces just rattle in there until you either reach in and grab them out or pulverize them into nothing and wash them away.

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Photo by Kinga Cichewicz via Unsplash

I carry my feelings with me in a bag. We all have this bag. For some, its a small change purse. Just a little fits in there. For others, its a sack large enough to distribute Christmas gifts to the children of the world. The destruction happens when the bag gets to heavy to carry. Yesterday, I dropped my bag and the contents rolled in every direction.

What I really want is to get rid of the bag and only have room for something to fit in my pocket. Anything more than that serves me no good.

There’s a right way and a wrong way to go about letting go of your feelings. Trust me, I have failed miserably in this area and done more bad than good.

Letting them go doesn’t mean giving them to other people. They don’t belong to someone else. I’ve been guilty of this. I’m angry so I lash out at other people. I project it. That is a horrible and selfish way to live.

I had to sit in bed last night and think through every damn feeling. Search in the bag for it, bring it out, understand where it came from. Then I had to tell myself one thing: This is not mine. Over and over until it wasn’t mine.

Do yourself a favor. Let your feelings be arrows. Let them pierce you but pass right through you. They’ll make you bleed. They’ll leave a scar but you’ll heal. The arrow won’t remain. It isn’t meant to remain.

Written by

Flaming pinball, nerd, music lover, wine snob, horrible violin player. No, I won’t stop taking pictures of my drinks. vanessaltorre@gmail.com IG: vanessaltorre

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