Losing More Than Your Mind in a Divorce

Reflections on the day he took the spoon caddy

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Literally, I might have been able to kill him by jumping out from behind a wall and yelling, “Boo!”

He was never at the house when I was. What meant was that he would come by from time to time and either clean out or pick up stuff that was his. Or he felt should be his. On some days, the change in household appearance was so subtle I felt like I was staring at that puzzle where you have two pictures side by side and have to figure out what is different. Sometimes I didn’t even notice something was different until shit got weird. Like when I went to make eggs.

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Having been through two of these divorce things, I can tell you there are three certainties:

1. You will at some point find yourself in your home and exceptionally intoxicated.

Now you get to register for all the things your soon-to-be-ex-spouse wouldn’t let you have. Like, dinosaur salt and pepper shakers. Or fun.

This is not a gender specific activity. I long for the day I stumble upon a soon-to-be-divorced man’s support group on a Sunday. They’ve been watching the game all day and have full liquored up their buddy and turned him loose in Target.

Grab. Scan. Happiness. Chicken Wings. BOOM!

I am serious. There is pure joy here. And let me tell you, as a person who has been there and done that (twice) I would absolutely go up to that registry and buy some random person I don’t even know a pizza cutter. Just an “I feel you” gift from a stranger. Man, that would make me feel good. What do you need? I got you. Let’s do this.

Written by

Flaming pinball, nerd, music lover, wine snob, horrible violin player. No, I won’t stop taking pictures of my drinks. vanessaltorre@gmail.com IG: vanessaltorre

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