Life Moves In One Direction
Reinvention and rediscovery are decisions we make
I have felt completely stuck for weeks now. My wheels have spun in the mud and I haven’t been able to get the car to move an inch. I just been revving the engine. Hard. Last night, I got a little nudge out of that mud. It was more than needed.
Turns out, the mud was a man. It always is. It’s painful that the pursuit of the most beautiful thing that exists, love, has to be fraught with so much strife.
I’ve held hope close to my chest for a long time. Sadly, I have now lost all hope. It is completely gone. I’m not saying that to be dramatic. I’m not saying it for pity or sympathy. I’m saying it because it’s horribly true.
That could sound pathetic if there wasn’t action attached to it. I believe that emotion leads to action and action leads to evolution.
I am not one for wallowing in one’s own self pity. We are better people than that. I believe we have better things to do with our time. So I’m writing this and then I’m going move on because my life needs to have one direction it moves in: forward.
I am bigger than this. This is what I call an AFGO. Another fucking growth opportunity. There are things that need to happen. It’s time.
I’m going to finally adjust to being alone
Oh, we’ve all given up at some point. Thrown in the towel and acknowledged it’s just not worth it. I have read countless articles by people who have given up on online dating. I did that months ago.
A lot of us are okay with being alone. We’re cool with ourselves. We dig us. This is not the same thing.
This is a weird letting go of the idea that someone is going to be along for the ride. It needs to not be a thought in my head. I don’t want it there.
I’m clearing my mind
There’s a lot that goes on in this brain that does not matter. It never did and it never will. That all needs to go, too. Sweet Jesus it’s going to take a lot of mental energy to not give things my mental energy.
But I have a plan…
I’m going to read voraciously
My house is filled with about 600 books. It’s a little ludicrous given that my house is only 1750 square feet. I am currently reading about five books. I start one, get distracted, move to another.
I want to delve deep and soak in someone else’s words. It brings me joy. I want to learn new things and read about old ideas. I may just read every word Gabriel Garcia Marquez has ever written. Because I want to and I can.
I’m going to be selfish AF
I don’t prioritize myself. Ever. This is something I need to figure out. There is one common thread in the failure of my relationships. I have been trained to accept as little as possible until I just can’t do it any more. By the time I reach that breaking point, I’m already broken. At least now I’ve learned to pull back when the cracks appear. I want to figure out now is how to keep the cracks away now.
I’m going to travel
It’s not going to be especially interesting, but I’m going to leverage my singlehood to do. I have friends who own a condo in the Capitol Hill area of Denver. They’d let me escape there for a long weekend, I’m sure.
People are kind to single travelers. There’s a weird kind of fascination mixed with pity that they feel. I’m going to drive that car until the wheels fall off.
I am going to offer to friends that are going on vacation for several days to let me come house sit for them. Friends who live in places I have never been.
I don’t want to look back in ten years and wish I had done this for myself.
This is not about building walls. I’m not intentionally shutting love out of my life because I’ve bad experiences. It’s an adjustment. I feel no need to go into self protection mode. It’s merely self evolution. I’m going to let myself feel good about that for a while.
I’m not particularly excited about this idea but I’ll get there. I’ll find the joy in it. Soon. But, I’m not scared of it either. There’s a beauty in letting go.