I’d Like to Normalize Throwing Ourselves “Midlife Showers”

We’re just going to be registering at Costco, Amazon, and the spa.

Photo by Kelsey Chance via Unsplash

As I have solidly entered middle age, I find it mind-boggling how much I was celebrated in my youth for things that really required no effort whatsoever but for which people fawned all over me.

Within the span of September 2001 to November 2003, I had three parties thrown in my honor. The reasons for the celebrations were as follows:

1. Some guy gave me a sparkly piece of jewelry, and I accepted it.
2. A bunch of dearly beloved people gathered to hear me agree to spend the rest of my life with said man.
3. I had sex with said man, and it resulted in the creation of another human.

It seems though that this is mild for what happens now. I bypassed 1.5, which is the Bachelorette Party. Hard no. I’ve never even attended one. I have made excuses for not going that are not far off from having to wash my cat.

I will say this. If I die and arrive at the place where my soul is to rest for all eternity and I look around and everyone is wearing matching outfits, I will know I have arrived in…