How To End Any Date Awkwardly

Cactus, key fobs and other dating dangers.

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I’m just here so you can realize there is a bigger hot mess out there than you. That hot mess would be moi.

I’m a good person. Kind, loving, funny. I’m just bad under pressure. This probably explains why I have been on about two dozen first dates in the last 90 days with only two resulting in a second date.

On occasion, I have made it through two hours convincing a man I am normal. Then the wheels fall off in the last five minutes.

I’d like to illustrate what this looks like.

Dating as an Olympic Event

Once, I went on a date with a guy who was actually a friend. Seems safe. We went hiking which could have ended horribly. I made it down the mountain feeling like I was winning at life!

He hugged me but it was the kind of hug where the person pulls away but doesn’t let go right away. You know what’s going to happen next.

You know this move. He’s going to kiss me. Oh shit! He’s going to kiss me! I panicked.

“He’s Going to Kiss Me” Panic — The Remix

On occasion, I have found myself on a date I did not realize was a date. Oh, come on! It happens! A friend asked me to grab a drink and about 30 minutes in I realized, “Awww crap. I’m on a date.” That’s fine but I was not mentally prepared for this.

There is no clearer message a woman can send a man that there will be no kissing than activating your key fob door lock mid-hug. “Boop boop!” Game over.

Except I hit the fob twice and unknowingly relocked the door. When I went to get in, it was locked. By hand flew off the handle with me reeling backwards. I am SO smooth.

“He’s Not Going to Kiss Me” Panic — Side B

The last date I went on actually went pretty darn well. Considering. I have very long legs. Barstools are no friend of mine. I spent two hours shuffling my legs around so that I can face my date comfortably while not falling off my stool. It took serious body spatial control. My tank runs about 14% full in this arena at any given time. I felt accomplished.

2019 is kind of turning into the year of “awww, fuck it.” So I went for it. I kissed him. Yea me! Not so fast…

It was, possibly, the most awkward kiss of my entire life. I caught him totally off guard. My face was leaning to the wrong side. He’s the same height as me and I had no idea what to do with my hands and arms. It was super cold outside. 15 year-olds do a better job of ending dates.

A Second Chance To Embarrass Myself

There is hope. In order to deflect from the awkward kiss, I sent my date a text acknowledging the awkward kiss. Logic is lost on me, people. I know. Tonight, we actually have a second date. I may have found a man who finds my awkwardness endearing. Now, wouldn’t that be something!

Written by

Flaming pinball, nerd, music lover, wine snob, horrible violin player. No, I won’t stop taking pictures of my drinks. IG: vanessaltorre

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