How to Be an Asshole in Three Easy Steps

Because being a decent person is so basic.

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With this whole movement toward “mindfulness,” assholes are becoming a dying breed. It doesn’t have to be this way. It’s pretty simple to up your game and go full on asshole. Why? Because, you only have one person you need to focus on: YOU! So easy.

After all, YOU are the most important person in the history of ever.

Do not let other people steal your sunshine and make you feel like it’s not okay to “keep it real.” Shake things up a little!

There is no better way to clearly communicate to people that you just don’t care than forgetting their name. This can get tricky because there’s no real scientific proof that people are predisposed to not remembering who someone is. Decent people may know this. Those jerks are the enemy here.

It’s just that remembering someone’s name takes effort and who has time for that crap? Am I right?

Completing this step actually takes little effort. Next time someone comes up to you and introduces themselves, immediately start thinking of something else. I mean, totally space out. It’s like the adult version of putting your fingers in your ears and singing “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” It gets the job done.

For extra finesse, the minute they say their name, just stop them. Put your hand right up while casually saying, “Ugh! I’m soooo bad with names.” You can add an eye roll for emphasis.

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This is key if you want to really refine your skills in public acts of assholery. The first thing you need to do is find something truly ridiculous to get really upset about. This should not be that hard even if you are an entry level asshole.

For illustrative purposes, let’s say you lost your phone. You took a Lyft home last night and left it in the car. Now, you have to survive the next three hours until that lazy ass Lyft driver gets up and meets you, on their own time, to get you your phone. So inconvenient. You. Are. Pissed.

That anger has to go somewhere! Let’s displace it shall we?

Go to the grocery store and grab a few items. Be sure to snatch something that has a discount with a digital coupon you can’t possibly download. Upon getting to the checkout, berate the cashier who can’t give you the discount. It’s ALL their fault you can’t save $.35. For the love of God!

Hold up the entire line while you curse them out. Be sure to tell them they are as stupid as their coupon policy and that they will be scanning soup cans their whole life because they’re so dumb. Bonus points if you make them cry.

Did you know that you can say ANYTHING you want to anyone at any time with absolutely no regard for their feelings? It’s true! It’s a piece of cake!

From time to time, sensitive people might get offended by something you say. You may hurt their feelings. It does not matter. Don’t be bothered by that. Everyone is entitled to your opinion.

It’s totally fine as long as you follow up your statement with, “I’m just being honest.” It’s like emotional Windex. Just wipes everything clean.

People can’t possible hold you accountable for how you insulted them, their lives, their family, their dog or their job. You’re just telling it straight. Remember when your 4th grade teacher told you honesty is the best policy? Go with that.

These steps notwithstanding, there are several other ways you can quickly become an asshole that I have not shared as they simply need no explanation. These include but are not limited to: kicking puppies, being right all the time, not returning your shopping cart to the appropriate location, showing up late and intentionally parking your 2014 Honda Accord in two parking spaces.

If you look around, there’s plenty of opportunity. Your journey starts with taking a deep breath and saying to yourself, “Today. Today I am an asshole.” Go forth.

Written by

Flaming pinball, nerd, music lover, wine snob, horrible violin player. No, I won’t stop taking pictures of my drinks. vanessaltorre@gmail.com IG: vanessaltorre

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