He Almost Took Away My Voice

And now I’m struggling to hold on to it

Image for post
Image for post

The most frequently identified example of how I have routinely disappointed my family is this: I am absolutely horrible at sending greeting cards for special occasions to people in a timely manner.

I’m not kidding. Three times it has been used as an example of how self-centered of a person I am. I always call. I make every attempt to visit. I offer to take people to lunch or meet for a glass of wine. But that card though…

Image for post
Image for post

My father read every word I wrote on Medium. His assessment? I am disingenuous, narcissistic, delusional and psychotic. Those were his words.

The decisions I have made in my life and dissected in my writing are “disgusting” and “unforgivable.”

I have spent this whole week paralyzed with fear. And shame. So much shame. I have been too terrified to use my voice. My father had silenced me.

I almost went along with it. I almost deleted everything off Medium. Everything I had worked for. Everything that made me feel whole. Everything that reminded me that I had worth that I had found in myself.

Image for post
Image for post

Still, my head has been a mess and I haven’t been able to find one word that wanted to come out. About anything.

My father’s shadow has loomed over my shoulder like he’s waiting for me to hand over my voice. I questioned whether I wanted to write about this and why.

Written by

Flaming pinball, nerd, music lover, wine snob, horrible violin player. No, I won’t stop taking pictures of my drinks. vanessaltorre@gmail.com IG: vanessaltorre

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store