How I Found My Partner After Five Excruciating Years of Dating

It did not involve manifesting, a dating app, or being set up.

Vanessa Torre


Photo by KaLisa Veer on Unsplash

After five years of post-divorce dating and learning to navigate the dating space again in my 40s, I realized that 98% of everything I was told to do to find a life partner was utter crap. It doesn’t work. It was never going to work.

Last October, I met my partner and nothing about it made sense. Nothing. I was on vacation, for the love of God. He is everything I ever wanted, some things I never expected, and a couple things I thought I gave up on. This wrapped up in a tall, handsome package that wears nice shoes and is geekier than I ever imagined.

Exactly two months from today, ironically on the one-year anniversary of the day we met, we will be packing my life up into a U-Haul and moving me from my long-time home of Phoenix to the Bay Area.

So, what is the answer? What is the secret sauce? How did I do it? In a nutshell. I took control of my life and let the pieces fall where they may. One of the pieces that fell was a man names Jason.

I let go of every trite bit of advice I had ever been given

I learned there are two groups of people you should never listen to when it comes to dating advice. The first is anyone trying to sell you something.

The people telling you to make a list of everything you want in a partner and manifest the hell out of it? Manifesting coaches who will follow up with an offer for a $497 manifesting course guaranteed to bring you the love of you life. If it doesn’t work, you’re doing it work. Do better. Here’s another course to help you.

The second group are well-meaning friends who have not been in the dating scene for decades. For midlifers, this includes damn near all of your coupled friends. For the millennials, this is a good chunk of your moms’ friends.

Ignore these people. They have never had to navigate Bumble. We are not the same. We have seen things.

If the person giving you dating advice is wearing a wedding ring that existed before the original recording…



Vanessa Torre

Top 10 feminist writer. Writing, coaching, and relentlessly hyping women in midilfe. Email: