Dating Other People Is a Stupid Concept

I don’t have time for that nonsense. I won’t do it.

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A few months ago, I was seeing a guy on a semi-regular basis. He was nice. He had his collective crap together. I was pretty certain he didn’t kick puppies.

I know, that last one is weird. But when you’re 45 and terminally single, a guy who doesn’t kick puppies seems like a catch.

It was short lived. The problem? The age old “seeing other people.” I think the whole concept is stupid.

That tastes horrible.

I have been on a lot of first dates. A couple second dates. A very small handful of more than two. I’ve gotten good at reading people. I know when chemistry is not there. Above all else, after two divorces, I know how to spend my time and with whom to spend it.

The aforementioned gentleman routinely told me how busy he was. We would go weeks without seeing each other. Turns out, some of his busyness was trying out other people. Nope. Hard pass.

To be clear, I’m not one to lock down a guy and stake my claim and scream commitment after two dates. I just don’t waste my time. I don’t like it when other people do. It’s pretty plain and simple.

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Photo by Huy Phan via Unsplash

One of my reasons for hating the concept of dating other people is completely vain and arrogant. I refuse to spend time in the dugout. I have spent years on self improvement and personal growth. I value myself enough to know that I’m a starting lineup player. I’m the A game.

The only real relationship I’ve had since I’ve been divorced that ever made any sense to me was actually a long distance relationship. He made it easy to focus on just him.

It was just what I needed. Two people who like each other but have their own crap to take care of and so you take care of your crap and see each other as often as that crap will allow.

It worked because I’m the kind of person who needs my space. I have a fiercely independent streak. I like having time to catch my breath, get caught up on life, spend some time alone and focus on myself to be a better person. It sounds very cliche. But, if I’m with someone and make room for myself, it makes me a better partner.

If you need space from one person in particular and choose to fill that space with other people, it’s complete bullshit. You don’t need space. You need to not be with that person you need space from. Be a wholehearted human being and just cut them loose.

I have great respect for any and every man I have gone out with that has said to me, “Thank you, but this doesn’t work. I’m going to stay the course with my search.” What good humans. Honesty is a treasure.

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I’m a bit old school. I believe in giving somebody your undivided time and attention. I think it’s the only way to really understand someone. Everything else is just a hair on the half-ass side. But, that requires a certain level of emotional investment.

There’s a weird chicken vs. the egg situation when it comes to this. You need to be truly on board with a person in order to become emotionally invested. But, at the same time, you need to be emotionally invested in order to fell like you can truly know someone. That’s a loop for you.

Part of it comes from being very comfortable by myself. If I put all of my eggs in one basket and a few months later it goes south, I’ll still be okay. Back to square one. Me. I’m good with me.

I am on an indefinite hiatus from dating. It’s just not for me right now. Frankly, I just don’t have it in me. I have things to take care of and life to attend to.

Just like everything else in my life, I’m not a multitasker. When I multitask, what I work on gets a little bit of me. It doesn’t get the laser focus good stuff. That’s what I want to give. Why should my relationships be any different?

Written by

Flaming pinball, nerd, music lover, wine snob, horrible violin player. No, I won’t stop taking pictures of my drinks. vanessaltorre@gmail.com IG: vanessaltorre

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