9 Things Arizonans Know About Covid That You May Not

How we’ve been able to become #1 in spreading the virus.

We’re winning so much, we’re tired of winning. We’ve wanted to be the best at being the worst at something for so long. We tried for years to suck the most at education but Alabama just will not concede the title.

This week, we finally got there. Not more participation trophies. No more second place. We won.

John's Hopkins University released information this week that Arizona now has the highest rate of Covid in the world. Not the country. The whole damn world.

If you’re wondering how that happens, I’ll tell you. Here’s the Reader’s Digest Condensed Version: We gave up. We don’t care. That’s it. That’s the list.

Life is absolutely normal over here with the exception that sometimes, we wear masks. Sometimes.

If your state or country is looking to be the best at killing itself off, depleting resources, and generally ensuring life never returns to normal, Arizona can share with you all our secrets on how we became the best at losing.

Here’s what we know that you may not:

  1. Apparently, you can’t catch Covid sitting down. You can eat inside in a restaurant packed with other people and not wear a mask. You just can’t stand up. The standing up part is where it gets dicey. It’s like sliding into home. Touch the plate, you’re safe. Same thing. Sit down, touch a plate, you’re safe.
  2. Also, masks are deemed important but only in certain counties. There’s a flow chart. Did your county sheriff test positive for Covid right before a visit to President Trump? Yes? No mask ordinance. Did your county sheriff win his election against an incumbent, old, racist criminal four years ago? Yes? Mask ordinance.
  3. Plexi-glass barriers between employees and patrons mean there is a force field in place. Neither the employee nor the patron really need to wear a mask. Unlike Tia Rosa’s choncla, the virus cannot turn corners. So it can’t go around the plexi-glass.
  4. Large parties are totally cool as long as you know everyone. You don’t have to know where they’ve been or what they’re been doing or anything. If you can address someone but their first name, trust them. It’s cool. Knowing someone’s middle name or birthday really decreases your risk even more.
  5. Similarly, large gatherings of 100+ people in public are okey-dokey if the city okays it. Speaking of…
  6. The virus is like your homeschooled 7th grader. It does not like math. This allows for places like Scottsdale to still pack 1,000 people in at the 16th hole of the Waste Management open because the pavilion is smaller this year. There’s math involved there somewhere. Covid wants no part of that. Please note we did not say logic was involved.
  7. Running in somewhere “real quick” does not warrant mask-wearing. Convenience stores? That’s a 120 second stop. It takes half that time to walk back to your car and get a mask and go back in, so, you know, why bother? The virus floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee. Bob and weave while you run in.
  8. If you are wearing a shirt with any semblance of the American flag on it, you’re safe. It, apparently, wards off the virus. It gets scared of your patriotism and wants none of you.
  9. The most critical component to ensuring the virus spreads like wildfire in your state is to elect a completely incompetent man who slightly resembles Fred Flintstone to be your governor. We have been completely without assistance from our governor this entire time. The inmates have been running the asylum this whole time. We’re #1.

Seriously, I’m beyond disappointed in my state, my neighbors, and everyone running this place. There is a way to beat this: logic, selflessness, and a skosh of sacrifice. We’re where we are because we don’t act right. We’ve become a national disgrace and we deserve that.

I am back to staying in my house 95% of the time. I don’t see friends, everything is delivered to my house, if I need something that can’t be delivered, I do curbside pick up. I don’t like this. I am counting days until my vaccinated, healthcare-working boyfriend comes to visit so I can have human interaction. There is nothing left in my garage to clean.

I’ll go back into public when I either get vaccinated or people start to act right. That sounds like June, maybe, because I know people ain’t gonna start acting right.

I’m not suggesting we lock everything down within an inch of its life but I feel like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction begging everyone to just be cool like Fonzie. Can we be cool like Fonzie, please?

Flaming pinball, nerd, music lover, wine snob, horrible violin player. No, I won’t stop taking pictures of my drinks. vanessaltorre@gmail.com IG: vanessaltorre

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store