9 Things Arizonans Know About Covid That You May Not

How we’ve been able to become #1 in spreading the virus.

Image for post
Image for post
Screenshot of Covid-19 statistics in Arizona on January 9, 2021. That’s a lot of winning.
  1. Also, masks are deemed important but only in certain counties. There’s a flow chart. Did your county sheriff test positive for Covid right before a visit to President Trump? Yes? No mask ordinance. Did your county sheriff win his election against an incumbent, old, racist criminal four years ago? Yes? Mask ordinance.
  2. Plexi-glass barriers between employees and patrons mean there is a force field in place. Neither the employee nor the patron really need to wear a mask. Unlike Tia Rosa’s choncla, the virus cannot turn corners. So it can’t go around the plexi-glass.
  3. Large parties are totally cool as long as you know everyone. You don’t have to know where they’ve been or what they’re been doing or anything. If you can address someone but their first name, trust them. It’s cool. Knowing someone’s middle name or birthday really decreases your risk even more.
  4. Similarly, large gatherings of 100+ people in public are okey-dokey if the city okays it. Speaking of…
  5. The virus is like your homeschooled 7th grader. It does not like math. This allows for places like Scottsdale to still pack 1,000 people in at the 16th hole of the Waste Management open because the pavilion is smaller this year. There’s math involved there somewhere. Covid wants no part of that. Please note we did not say logic was involved.
  6. Running in somewhere “real quick” does not warrant mask-wearing. Convenience stores? That’s a 120 second stop. It takes half that time to walk back to your car and get a mask and go back in, so, you know, why bother? The virus floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee. Bob and weave while you run in.
  7. If you are wearing a shirt with any semblance of the American flag on it, you’re safe. It, apparently, wards off the virus. It gets scared of your patriotism and wants none of you.
  8. The most critical component to ensuring the virus spreads like wildfire in your state is to elect a completely incompetent man who slightly resembles Fred Flintstone to be your governor. We have been completely without assistance from our governor this entire time. The inmates have been running the asylum this whole time. We’re #1.

Flaming pinball, nerd, music lover, wine snob, horrible violin player. No, I won’t stop taking pictures of my drinks. vanessaltorre@gmail.com IG: vanessaltorre

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store